Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i wish my penis had a tongue
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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