one word: firstdatebathroomanal
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize