we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
