soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
