maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
