i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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