benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I need a beard to bite.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize