During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize