I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
