He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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