Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
