i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
