I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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