is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
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