I accidentally had phone sex last night
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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