Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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