I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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