Moan for me like Helen Keller
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
