the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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