You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
