I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼‍♀️
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
