the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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