Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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