there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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