I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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