dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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