Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
