You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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