I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
