I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
