so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
