You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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