I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
