Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Randomize
