we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
