I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
