I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I would fuck him just for his dog
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
