I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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