Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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