4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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