We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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