his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
