there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
