dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize