she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
