How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
only if we run a train.
done.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
