There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
