At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My legs feel like baby dolphins
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
