Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
