I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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