in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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