I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
