Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
