Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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